One thing that's strange about being bipolar is I get these urges to DO something. Anything, sometimes. Like right now, it's 7:13pm, and I feel like I need to be going somewhere.

The wind right now is atrocious, and I know that it'd be cold and billowy outside, but I feel like I have to get out there and go. I know there are some errands I could do, things to get at Wal-Mart (good old 24 hour Wal-Mart!), but it's the weird feeling of HAVING to do it that irks me. Why do I feel this way? What is it in my brain that tells me, "Get up and go do this right now. You can't stay where you are." ???

A Reason to Shower

Outfits ironed, kids fed. Then we decided to stay home this morning.

Great. Now I need to find a new reason to shower. You see, when you are depressed it takes a lot of drive to get under that rain of water. You'd think that you'd crave refreshment. No. It's too much of a chore. Scrubbing your body? Torture. And brushing your hair? Too tiring. Especially if you have to dry it, too. Everything is hard to do, if all you're doing is staying in bed anyway. Once you get to the clean and clothed part, the rest is ok (like makeup and jewelry and talking to people). For some reason, it's that hygiene hump that needs climbing, and it's a killer.

Luckily I have a husband who can come up with a list of reasons why I need to take a shower. I may not like it, but he's gonna get me in there.

Ruby

I have a daughter who is always positive. She is two and a half, and her name is Ruby.

Ruby is a breath of fresh air to my mostly negative attitude. She is polite when I am rude, she is calm when I am seething, she is gentle when I am ready to smash things into the wall. I don't know where she learned these ways, because lately I have not demonstrated any of this kindness to her, but I know that God is using her to bless me.

Color color color

OK, I think I'm gonna have to change it. As much as I hate to waste the perfect job that Christy did yesterday, I just can't stand the pink. I'm going to have to go back to dark. It's just more me right now. Lemme hear some support.

Nail color II

Well the color ended up more of a pinky/peach, but it looks good. Especially against my white keyboard. :) The pedicure was my favorite part - who doesn't love a good foot rub - and it's nice that my girl, Christy, doesn't chat away during the process. She lets me sit there in the massaging pedi-chair with my eyes closed and my mouth shut. I love pedicures, and I love enjoying them quietly.

So having the morning to myself was nice. Thursdays are my "day off" when the kids go to the babysitter. The only flaw is that on Thursday, since Gaby shuttles the kids for me, he takes the van... and I'm left driving his car. His car is cute and old and has a good stereo, but it's a standard. And I can technically drive a stick shift, but not very well. So what should be a relaxing morning turns out to be a sweaty-palms, stressful event.

But my mood is still slightly up, so I'm looking forward to wanting to shower tomorrow. My cousin invited me and my kids to story time at the library, so I'm sure she'll appreciate the shower. :)

Is it stereotypical of me to listen to music while I type?

Nail color

I went to the store today to chose a new nail color. I'll be going to the salon tomorrow, and I wanted to have my own color in hand. I fully intended to go with a dark winey/purple to match my mood lately, but to my surprise I was drawn to a creamy coral. I was surprised because I am very much affected by visual things like color, and I didn't think that something so light and springy would catch my eye. Well I kept going back to this color because it was so beautiful, and I finally decided: if my nails are this color, maybe I'll be forcing myself into a lighter, positive mood.

I remember a few weeks ago when I painted my nails a bright red to match a dress. It didn't work out; I felt like the color didn't represent me and I ended up with a nail situation: darker nails with a bloody looking edge. That result was partly my laziness (I didn't take off the bright red first), but it was a sad example of how I needed to reflect my dark mood.

I've had a few good mornings lately, so I'm counting on more of those to get me through this new color. Who knows. Maybe they're a sign of a brighter Spring for me.

Danny's song

It's quiet time, and I hear Danny softly singing this LONG song about "going around and around....what are you gonna do...ever forever...louder." It's cute.

I'm in my room crying. It's been one of those mornings that my depression has gotten the better of me. When that happens, everything seems sad and upsetting. I can't believe I'm writing about this. I don't know how many of you readers have ever been depressed. The worst part of it for me is that it makes me less of an adequate caregiver for my children. That stings. I wish I could be happily singing to my toys like Danny.

Weight Gain

I have gained a significant amount of weight in the past six months or so. The guilt I've been carrying about this weight has been almost as damaging as my disorder itself. Well at my last appointment with my doctor, I found out that one of my medications has an affect of weight gain. So this whole time I've been beating myself up for ballooning to a size I never thought I'd be, even though I'm going to the gym and eating healthier. I am mad, relieved, confused, upset. It doesn't make me feel better to know that this weight isn't my fault. It makes me scared because I don't know if I'll be able to switch medications or stop it altogether. My next appointment with this doctor isn't until the end of March. So I have until then to worry and grow.

By the way, this is a very sensitive and embarrassing topic for me, but I felt the need to write about it rather than keep it inside.

First Poop, Last Diaper

OK, this may seem gross, but I'm gonna write about it anyway. I have been changing diapers non-stop for the past eight years. Well today, by youngest pooped in her potty for the first time. This represents a big change for me because I will pretty soon be diaper free. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN EIGHT YEARS!!

Screaming Kids

Why does my kids' screaming get on my nerves? Is it something about the certain decibel which causes the muscles in my neck to twitch and twinge? Is it knowing that the whole neighborhood can hear these fun fighting children that embarrasses me?

I tell them that they can't scream inside - only outside. So they take me at my word. As soon as their feet cross that threshold their mouths open wide and they let it all out. My boys are way too early for maturity so their screams come out as high pitched squeals. And it's so random - most times there is nothing they are screaming about. It's just because they can.

So I let them. But while they scream outside, I'm inside turning into a ball of nerves.

I'm within eyesight of the backyard, but I'm wearing headphones. I can still hear the screams, but they are muffled. And don't worry, I can tell the difference between a hurt scream and a kid scream, even with headphones on. I can still see their wide mouths, their shut eyes, their chests puffed out in full blow. And it bothers me.

I guess this is something I need to work out in therapy.

Cottage Daydream

I caught myself daydreaming today of owning a little cottage. Maybe in Bandera, that way I could drop the kids off at my parents' and go to my cottage and just have time to myself. It'd be cute and cottagey with one bedroom. The bedroom would have a white iron bed with old quilts on it. There'd be a stash of pajamas in the dresser, along with a stash of painting overalls. The living room would be a studio, the rug a large tarp. I'd have a comfy sofa and chairs, but they'd be mismatched and the decor would be my paintings. My workspace would take center stage, not to show off, but because the middle of a room is the best for painting. I wouldn't paint while I had company, but I'd show my painted canvases to guests when they were over. And I'd always have good food to offer from the little kitchen. This cottage would have lots of windows and be flooded with natural light. And outside the windows, I'd see lots of climbing roses and arbors of wisteria. And bees. I could open the front door and the back door and the breeze would be enough to cool the entire (small) space. Everything would be white and light and airy, and my mood would be light and pleasant. I'd wake up wanting to paint, stay awake, wanting company. I'd leave satisfied and ready to get back to my regular house...

I might add to this daydream because there are so many thoughts that haven't made it to the word part of my brain yet.

Good Feeling

It's been a while since I've had that just plain good feeling in my gut. Well I'm having it right now. I wonder if it'll be there in the morning when I wake up and have to go to the gym.

It feels good, this good feeling. It's like swallowing sunshine and having it warm you from the inside.

Maybe it's because my fingers have finally gotten used to my new keyboard and I can type without to0 many oopses. Or because I'm listening to Madeleine Peyroux on iTunes. Or because my medication is finally right on. Or maybe God just decided to give me a break. Whatever, I'm enjoying it.

Vitamin D

Today has been good so far.

I missed going to the gym because I slept in, but I made up for it by taking my in-laws to the Botanical Gardens here in town. We walked a lot. And the sun felt good. And the little ones behaved. That's what I call a good morning.

Now I just picked up the older ones from school and am wondering if the vitamin D I got this morning will help my patience this afternoon.

Isolating

Do you ever want to be in and out of a place, like a store, without having to greet anyone? You just want to go in, get your stuff, and get out. Am I the only one who would rather not have to make eye contact with the person behind the counter sometimes? It's called "isolating" and I think it's ok on occasion. But how do I let people know I feel that way? I think I'll make a sign that says, "Sorry. Feeling isolative today."

Biolar II Disorder

Part of the reason I decided to start blogging is to use this blog as an outlet for my bipolar condition. It's part of me that I can't change, as much as I'd like to. So this is the first post about how much I dislike being bipolar.

It has put a distance between me and my family and friends. People think that this disease is a dangerous one for them to be around, although the real danger is to me. SO STOP FREAKING OUT, Y'ALL. (In case you're reading this.)

My kids, my precious children, see the difference between the Well Mama and the Sick Mama, and it breaks my heart. Both Anne and Jean were telling stories today about made-up characters. Both stories involved a mom who took lots of naps. Damn you, depression! And anytime someone is sick, my baby, Ruby, says they have to "go to the hospital." There's been too much of that around my house. Danny, my middle child, is hard to figure out. But in his rough and tumble way, I know he knows that I'm not altogether there for him.

My sweet, poor husband, Gaby, has been in the trenches since this past Summer. He's taken care of me, the kids, the house, his 60+ hour a week job, and everything in between. Essentially, he's taken our wedding vows out of the closet and used them to the fullest. He deserves more than his name tattooed on my arm to show how much I appreciate what he's done for me.

One day we'll get this disease under control, and I'll be able to resume a normal life. But now you know why "Being Rachael" is so hard.

from gym to kids

I just got back from the gym, and I'm supposed to be high from endorphins, right? But my kids start fighting, and the endorphins run out of the door faster than I can. So I'm going to put on Adele, shower and try to think of something good about my children. Let's see:

• I have four beautiful, individual creatures from my womb who still shelter near me
• They have strong sibling rivalry, but that will help them to be go-getters when they're older
• From experience, they should end up best friends like me and my siblings
• When they think I'm not paying attention, I catch them playing together creatively - without plugging into tv, games or computer
• Other people compliment me on the behavior of my kids (?) which always catches me by surprise, pleasantly.

That's all I can think of so far. I've got that dried-sweat feeling on my skin. I shouldn't even be touching my computer. Hello, shower.

My Bloody Valentine (Fingers)

Woke up with a desire to stay in bed. This happens a lot these days. And the red nail polish I put on yesterday was too bright and cheery, so I tried to cover it up with a darker, somber tone. But I was too lazy to take off the red polish first. Now my nails look like they have blood underneath them. Happy Valentine's Day.

Elvis on my birthday

I got this note on facebook from my sister-in-law with Elvis singing Happy Birthday. Some might find this tacky and mildly annoying. To me, it was the best wish of the day. I've loved Elvis since I was five years old (really, ask my mom) and everyone who knows me knows that I'm passionate about him. But is it right to hold on to this passion when you've been married to a wonderful man (better than most) for 10 years? That's my dilemma.

birthday plans

Ok. Here's what I plan to do on tomorrow morning. This might be a little much for some of you, be warned:

• Sleep in for as long as I want, although I'm sure my kids will want to come and give me slobbery birthday wishes by about 730.
• Eat Krispy Kreme for breakfast. Not sure if the kids will wait for me on that one, but as long as I get one I'll be fine. :)
• Do my nails. I'm a big nail person.
• Go to the Botanical Gardens here in town with the family and in-laws who are visiting from France.
• Come back home and pamper and primp myself for an evening out with my husband! I've got this new red dress I'll be wearing for the first time, and I'm excited. Of course, my nails will match. :)
• Eat a delicious dinner at a fancy restaurant, although my mother in law's cooking rivals that of any fancy restaurant anywhere. Have you ever tried her porchero? You should.
• Come home and crash. Maybe.

It should be a good day.

Right now I just finished Adele and have moved on to The Arcade Fire.

Getting Started

Hello and welcome to my life. My name is Rachael, and tomorrow is my birthday. This past year was pretty crappy for me. I may or may not share that crap with you. But to get through what hopefully will be a better year, I thought I'd blog as an outlet. I need an outlet like a dog needs a good scratch. So be my scratch. Or scratch me. Or let me scratch you. Just wish me a happy 31st birthday!