Work Out

It's so easy to slip out of the gym habit. But I'm going back tomorrow. And even though I don't like it, I'm going to get on those machines and work. I'm doing this for my freaking health.

crying spell

I had a moment in front of my kids this morning that was really sad. I'm having to take my baby's crib apart (she's almost 3) because we bought her a big girl bed, and I'm in the garage looking for the crib box. well I also had pandora playing throughout the house, right? so I'm digging through stuff, and I'm coming across all this stuff that to me all of the sudden seems like failures: ping pong table that we never play, antique table that we never use, etc. and this sad Norah Jones song comes on and I lose it. so here I am bawling, and i found the crib box and I realize that my baby isn't a baby anymore. more tears, more bawling. my kids are all standing at the garage door asking me if I'm ok, and why I'm crying. I just told them I'm having lots of emotions, and that I'll be ok. I could have sat there for hours, but I pulled myself together and got the box ready. It felt good to get a cry out. also, does anyone need a used crib?

Waking Up

As someone under depression, I sleep a lot. I go to bed early, I wake up late, I take little naps, cat naps, long naps. You name it, anything I can grab, I take. And I HATE being woken up. I don't know what it is, but it's like whatever wakes me up is my enemy. Sometimes its my phone alarm, which isn't so bad because its inanimate. But usually it's Gaby or one of the kids, sent in to wake the sleeping beauty. I feel like the wicked witch inside. Or death itself, summoned back to life. Do you think Death wants to be awake? No.

Nursery Nostalgia

Ok, tomorrow is the first day I'm selling my art at the consignment sale, but I'm nervous that I won't feel up to smiling at customers. I hope my art can sell itself because I might be hiding behind it.

One thing that's strange about being bipolar is I get these urges to DO something. Anything, sometimes. Like right now, it's 7:13pm, and I feel like I need to be going somewhere.

The wind right now is atrocious, and I know that it'd be cold and billowy outside, but I feel like I have to get out there and go. I know there are some errands I could do, things to get at Wal-Mart (good old 24 hour Wal-Mart!), but it's the weird feeling of HAVING to do it that irks me. Why do I feel this way? What is it in my brain that tells me, "Get up and go do this right now. You can't stay where you are." ???

A Reason to Shower

Outfits ironed, kids fed. Then we decided to stay home this morning.

Great. Now I need to find a new reason to shower. You see, when you are depressed it takes a lot of drive to get under that rain of water. You'd think that you'd crave refreshment. No. It's too much of a chore. Scrubbing your body? Torture. And brushing your hair? Too tiring. Especially if you have to dry it, too. Everything is hard to do, if all you're doing is staying in bed anyway. Once you get to the clean and clothed part, the rest is ok (like makeup and jewelry and talking to people). For some reason, it's that hygiene hump that needs climbing, and it's a killer.

Luckily I have a husband who can come up with a list of reasons why I need to take a shower. I may not like it, but he's gonna get me in there.

Ruby

I have a daughter who is always positive. She is two and a half, and her name is Ruby.

Ruby is a breath of fresh air to my mostly negative attitude. She is polite when I am rude, she is calm when I am seething, she is gentle when I am ready to smash things into the wall. I don't know where she learned these ways, because lately I have not demonstrated any of this kindness to her, but I know that God is using her to bless me.