Spoiled Rotten

I have really enjoyed this summer. Gaby took care of me. He arranged child care for three of our kids during the day, giving them lots to do and letting me have a break. Ruby and I were free to follow our own schedule as Anne, Jean and Danny were in Summer Camp during the day. The house was quiet and calm from 7:30am until 5:30pm. Nice, I know. At first I felt guilty for this - that I was sending my kids away - then I realized how much I needed the peaceful atmosphere. Every Saturday, when all four of them were home together all day long, they argued with each other and complained to me from morning to night! My nerves could barely stand it. I love my kids, but Mondays are good days. Now the craziness of school is about to start, and I'm not ready to give up my full day of peace. But soon I will be picking three kids up from school at 2:45... giving them snack, helping with homework, refereeing the sibling rivalry.

Last school year the kids bought lunches from the cafeteria because I was too sick to pack lunches. This year, now that I'm well, I'd like to make their lunches. We'll see how long that lasts. :) Also, now that I'm well, I want to be more involved with the kids' classes. I'll make myself available for each one - but especially Danny's. Kindergarten! I ordered Danny's L.L. Bean backpack and lunch box. I chose the teal one with the snake instead of the orange one with the gecko. Orange hurts my eyes. I can't wait to see him with his backpack on the first day of school!! I've got my school supply list all completed and I'll be going tomorrow to get all the goodies. It's so cool to get new stuff. I wish I were going to school. Elementary is so fun! (Was it fun for me when I was in it? I remember a constant state of butterflies in my stomach from those years.)

So summer is ending, school is beginning. I'm sad and excited. It figures.

"She broke her coccyx."

I am off balance.

My medication and weight gain have changed the way I function with gravity. I frequently get head spinning moments. Eyes open or closed, the world around me is tilting and I have to brace myself to keep from falling.

I've gotten clumsy, and I'm embarrassed. I used to pride myself on my balance and poise. Not anymore. I used to be graceful, others had frequently said so in the past. Now I feel like I can't walk a strait line any better than someone doing a D.U.I. test on the shoulder of the highway. When I'm down on the floor (a frequent position for someone with small children) I can't get up easily. I've had to add a few more steps to stand-up. It shocks me each time; I'm not used to being physically slow.

I feel unstable and on edge. Falling was on the top of my list of "Things I Didn't Want To Happen Ever Again." A year ago, before the diagnosis, medication and weight, I had a hard fall. I was running through the rain with a friend, trying to get to her house before we were soaked. The road was muddy, I was in flip flops, we were running fast and my legs gave out. My knees were pretty banged up, but what hurt the most was my pride.

I'm afraid of being embarrassed again. In this instability I've found myself grabbing stair rails or holding on to chairs when I walk past. Sudden moves are out for now. I try to brace myself when I bend down to pick something up, and I keep my eyes closed until I my head feels right. I don't take chances.

But today I fell.

I was sitting on the edge of Danny's bed when I stood up. To sturdy myself I reached for the bookcase behind me, but I misjudged the distance and didn't get a good grasp. It seemed to happen in slow motion: standing up too fast --- no grasp --- flailing arms --- toys knocked off of book case --- feet trying to find floor --- scraping my back on a metal toy --- me saying "Ow!" --- landing my bum on the floor. There was a moment of shock and assessment, then my children came to my side, like a little EMS team. They checked the scratch on my back (a lot of "oooh that's bad" and "it's bleeding!"). In fact, I was not bleeding, and there were no bones broken, but I was embarrassed and sad. I was humiliated to have been so helpless in front of my kids. I didn't want them to see me upset, so I made my way upright and went to my room. As I was doctoring my scrape I started to cry. I felt very bad. Here are the thoughts that ran through my head (they are thoughts, not truths): You are clumsy and dumb; If you weren't so fat that wouldn't happen; Your disease caused this to happen; You are getting old, your kids are healthier than you; You should have been more careful; The room should have been cleaner; IT'S YOUR FAULT. So I cried a little bit.

The drama of the fall is over, but I'm definitely bruised. Who has two thumbs and will be using a walker from now on? This girl.

Today's Prayer

(I wrote this around 1pm CST)

Wow. I just had the strongest prayer of my life. Seriously 5 minutes ago. I want to document this so I won't forget what happened. I'm debriefing. :)

Two things happened to bring on the battle. First- It was after lunch nap time at our house, so everything was quiet. I was planning to take a nap, too. My goal was to slip right under the covers as soon as I had the two kids settled in their rooms. On the way to my room I passed the kitchen. Then this very convincing voice said, "Rachael! You need something sweet in your mouth right now. It will make your nap so much better. You're alone and no one will see you!" I am trying to not gain weight. I was an idiot and went to the pantry. I knew full well that my stomach was satisfied from lunch and that we didn't have anything sweet except the kids' school snacks - and those don't even taste good! But I picked up a package of wafer things my daughter likes and opened them up. One bite into it and I thought, "Gosh. These are a little sweet, but a little gross, too." And then I said, "But eating the whole serving will make you feel good." So I took a second package.

I stood in the kitchen with the open pack in my left hand and the second pack in my right hand and the wafer in my mouth. A much sweeter voice spoke up and said, "You don't have to do this to feel better. You can stop eating and put them down." What? I already opened this package, and I'd waste it if I threw it away! I was frozen. On the threshold of our kitchen floor, I felt like I had to make a decision right then and there. The new voice was saying, "I am here with you, and I'll never leave."

I listened and I liked the sound of that voice. I trusted it. I turned around and threw the package into the trash and put the other one back into the pantry. It was so simple and felt so good, and when it was done I was amazed at how easy it was. What a weight off of my shoulders. WOW. And you know what? The nice voice stayed around, but the the one who told me to eat- no where to be found.

Here comes Step 2. Often during nap time I use that quietness to pray. I kneel beside my bed, put my hands on my eyes and lean into the bed. Don't ask why. I've done it for years and it works for me. I know God knows my mind, but I like to speak out loud. It keeps me from distractions in my mind and I love how comfortable God feels to me when I can just talk to him so openly. This time I shut my eyes but didn't start speaking right away. Something weird happened. I couldn't start my prayer.

I couldn't reach God.

Not that I didn't have anything to say, but I just couldn't get the words out. My brain fired this blast of information, memories, images all across my mind, turning my thoughts away from God. I was looking up to heaven but a light got covered by my images. I recognized right away that I was just getting off track, so I tried to start praying out loud. But before I could even speak I was cut off by my mind, which was being influenced by something foreign.

It came between me and God. I tried to see him, but my vision was blurred, and all I could hear was my mind, which is horrible. My thoughts looked puny and sick compared to looking at our Father. It was almost like I was being pulled away by a mob, a mob created out of hate. I got panicky and started to cry. I don't even think I said God's name when I called out. I didn't have words. I knew he was there, but I couldn't get to him. All I could see were my own thoughts, and it was so scary. I had an image of being tormented by my own brain. Then I imagined having to tell Gaby and how awful our lives would be with a crazy brain inside of me. The thought of Gaby gave me something to grasp, though, and I felt a little less alone. I could still tell scary things were happening, but I was getting further from them and closer back to God.

During this time I sensed a battle above me and in front of me. I didn't see it - I just witnessed it. I sat back against the wall, sobbing. I felt (not literally) that the Father's arm was around me and he was taking care of me. I don't think I have ever felt that secure in God's arms until that moment. I mean, I have loved God and relied on him for many years - but I've never been involved in this rescue kind of experience until today.

I do not doubt that satan was behind all of this. That evil was pissed off at my recent affairs with the holy spirit (cookies and other things) and wanted to get even. My brain is a weak point right now, and he knew it. Well satan: YOU DON'T SCARE GOD and God on my side.

But what if it was purely chemical? What if it was my Bipolar brain in a brief fog? Was this one of the side affects of my medicine that I didn't read? Do I just need more medication to curb this side effect?

What if it happens again?!!!!!!

Hospital stay

Well I'm back home. (Not that any of you knew I was in the hospital.) This time I stayed 11 days to make certain that my medications were working together. You know you've been inpatient too many times when the psych ward begins to feel like a second home.

Everyone in the psych ward is different - age, race, religion - yet we are all dealing with a mental illness. It is such a blessing to be around others who are facing the same challenges. During this stay I would often observe the way that being together gave us strength. A 65 year old granny chatting with a 19 year old skater. A 40 year old Muslim talking about God with a 31 year old Christian. We are all equal, we all need help. I wish the rest of the world could have this experience. (But who's going to admit to having a mental illness?)

I've got a schedule, and it includes staying awake all day long. I'm going to the gym every weekday. I do chores and make meals. I'm functioning again. I'm doing my part to control this disease, and the medicine does the rest. For now, the new medication is working with me - let's hope it lasts for a long while.

Skin Effects

I have acne. And I don't mean a few zits here and there. I mean full blown, skin stretched, something-going-on-underneath-acne.

I read all of the information that comes with a new medication. In one a while back, there was listed as a side affect that this medicine could cause "minor skin eruptions." :) Well I guess I'm in that "could" category, because it did. The problem with my medicines (as with all medicines, I guess) is that you have to outweigh the benefit to the possible side effects. So far this medication hasn't helped me, mood-wise, but I'm supposed to "give it time" to take affect. So me and my zits are giving it time. And we hurt. And we're sore. And we're tired of being tender and not being able to hug people the right way.

Ode to a Disease

Bipolar, you have given me such great pains.

Scares and stresses, moods and messes.

You have left me for dead with only my breath to save my body.

You will me to fight with the public, when I don't want to fight with anyone.

Your desire would be that I hide away, shelter and shudder.

Bipolar disease you are a disease which pleases to make my mind like a sieve - in with the new thoughts, keeping the horrendous thoughts to swirl around, and letting the good thoughts pass through, never touching ground. Oh, disease, you freeze me when I want to decide, you place a space between those I want to touch, you erase feelings of joy, love and devotion. You eat my soul, piece by piece. And I am sweet, so you enjoy me.

Work Out II

I had a great workout today. The it's been an hour since we left the gym, and I'm still feeling the high. But more than the rush of adrenaline, I have a very clear head. I haven't had this in a long time, and I know I'll be back at the gym tomorrow.